The Ins and Outs of Potty-Training a Tween

While Will isn't actually a tween, since Laura's been around, I've felt like Will is much, much bigger than he was before. So whenever I put a diaper on him at night, I have to remind myself that he's only three. That seems to help with my exasperation with the situation, if nothing else.

In any case, I've compiled a handy-dandy, super informative list of tips on potty training your older child, for anyone in need.

• Do go ahead and plan on buying diapers for your child's first 10 or so years of life. Make sure to include a column for thousands upon thousands of diapers in your budget. Make peace with your contribution to the planet's environmental demise.
• Don't spend time obsessing about other kids who, despite being half the age of your child, are already potty-trained. Their parents are obviously superior to you, so there's no need to waste any mental activity on this.
• Do bring your child into the bathroom with you, not necessarily to pique their curiosity about this toilet business and what happens there, but rather to make sure that he or she isn't poking his or her younger sibling with a sharp object.
• Don't get pregnant and/or have a baby during the time that your child is at prime potty-training age. It will surely mean disaster.
• Don't start to get nice and smug when your two year old is "potty trained". If this is the case, you'll find your genius child peeing in the corner smirking at you the very next morning. This will sting even more if you're pregnant and/or have a newborn because you're also completely exhausted. You will also be completely demoralized at this point and may go ahead and throw in the towel.
• Do remind yourself that the parents who say things like "Oh, now, how many six-year-olds do you know who aren't potty trained?" are almost always  the ones who seem to have kids who were potty trained at birth or very shortly thereafter, whose babies apparently signaled their needs by some sort of elaborate system that may or may not have involved choreographed rattle shaking and meaningful eye blinks.  
• Do take every available opportunity to place the blame elsewhere: your spouse, pregnancy and a baby, a difficult spell with the child, vacation, home improvement projects, growth spurts, lack of sleep . . . all of these make lovely scapegoats and divert the attention from the fact that you dropped the ball. Or the training pants. Whatever.
• Don't permanently throw in the towel. When things are at their darkest, sometimes something just seems to click. Finally. And then an underwear-clad miracle takes the place of that kid smirking in the corner at you just after he's soaked the carpet. The day will come, I promise.

I know this type of parenting wisdom is incredibly hard to come by. So I'll just go ahead and say it: you're very welcome.